


Breath of Yours

by fructoseintolerant



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Character Death, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:27:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25840609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fructoseintolerant/pseuds/fructoseintolerant
Summary: Jaehyun already knew what will happen when you wish past 11:11 pm.It won't come true.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	Breath of Yours

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a song, 11:11-Jae Jin. Please give it a listen!

Smokes filled up his lungs. Stupid enough he guess to think that it would filled up his mind as well. Those white colours of smoke made him think that it was pure, but it burned so fast trying to stay alive between his fingers. It excites him how cigarettes leave ashes, and it suited his mood. Burning so fast that it has nothing remained to be felt.

A warm smoke slowly escaped from his lungs. It filled his lungs perfectly, before drifting to the humid air in the bathroom. The smoke would surely taint the white ceiling of the bathroom by how often he smokes while bathing. He stared at the white tiles of the bathroom and the decreasing bubble on the water surface.

It was already late. He reached for the towel and got out of the tub. The cigarette was hanging from his lips as he walked. His wet hair left a trail of water droplets behind him, but it didn’t worry him.

Instead, he thumbed his phone the numbers he never saved but was perfectly saved in his heart. "Hello?"

It was almost immediately for the man on the other side to say, _"Jaehyun? Is that you?"_

Jaehyun smiled. "Yes, it’s me. Let's meet again, Doyoung."

A deep inhale told him that he was in the right place. Disinfectant, medicine, death. He could smell it even from the entrance. Unfamiliar yet welcoming.

He looked around and spotted Doyoung running to him. Many would think that it was an emergency, for the man in uniform to move that fast. And it was. To Doyoung, Jaehyun was a constant emergency presence.

"Hi," he greeted. They were past the stage of handshake, and Jaehyun found his hand awkwardly tucked in his pockets.

"Why are you here?" Doyoung asked, opposing his effort to get to Jaehyun as fast as possible. He was breathless.

A pause.

"To get better."

"Then why are you calling me? I thought that you're finally-"

"Doyoung," he interrupted him. "You're the one that I need."

Doyoung stilled. He stared at Jaehyun. Without hurry clouding his vision, he finally saw his face and no longer saw the Jaehyun he used to know. "Are you sure?"

Jaehyun nodded earnestly.

"How long?"

"Long enough."

Jaehyun stared at the white floor until he no longer could avoid Doyoung's gaze. "I'm going to die, Doyoung."

"Don't,” he said without missing a beat. 

But who's Doyoung? Other than a loner who stuck with a one sided love with his best friend. Perhaps the only thing he was proud of was to become an oncologist. But not for long.

Jaehyun came. And Doyoung's world just shifted from an entire universe to a dying man. What's the difference after all?

Perhaps Doyoung was many beats too late. He already missed out two thirds of the song. Maybe even more, but he wouldn’t admit it.

"Follow me. I'll run a few tests for you."

Jaehyun followed, expecting more reaction from Doyoung. They went to the elevator. Doyoung pressed the 3th floor.

Jaehyun was already familiar with some of it. The first is for the emergency, and pediatrician. He knew. Because that's where his friend went to that day. They never came home.

But it is alright.

The second was for the gynecologist. Jaehyun called it the happy ward. Babies born on this floor and people rarely die on this floor. If Jaehyun ever finished his study, he would certainly choose this ward. If only.

But he knew it didn't matter anymore.

The third, however, was new. 

When Doyoung was still an intern, sometimes Jaehyun would visit this ward. Just to see Doyoung following his professor. He already told Jaehyun about wanting to work in this ward. But Jaehyun didn't understand the appeal. To face dying people on a daily basis was suffocating. Perhaps it was why Doyoung didn't say much earlier. _He already understood._

The elevator dinged and Jaehyun said goodbye to his reflection on the smooth wall of the elevator. He probably won't get to see it again after some doctor appointment.

Maybe he'll go bald. Then maybe he would look sick enough to stop working.

"Jaehyun," Doyoung said. He stopped walking a while ago after realizing that Jaehyun stilled in front of the elevator. "What are you doing?"

Jaehyun smiled. "Thinking."

"About?"

"Negative things." He walked. Doyoung walked slowly to match their pace. But nothing could match their pace of life.

Doyoung would still be alive by the time Jaehyun died. He would still be working in the hospital. Meet new people and maybe find a lover to grow old with. Watch a few people die before him and finally join them too.

But Jaehyun will rot under the ground.

_But it's alright._

Doyoung ran a few tests. Checking his decaying body. Jaehyun couldn't read Doyoung's face. All he knew was he did good at the test, but not his body.

"Lung cancer. Stage 3," Doyoung announced. After hearing that, Jaehyun thought that it wasn't so bad. He had felt something worse. For example, when he left Doyoung.

Jaehyun didn't know what was wrong with him at that time. What he knew was, Doyoung was doing something to his heart. And it wasn't supposed to be like that. His parents said otherwise. Society said otherwise. His brain said otherwise. In a bad way, he concluded himself to be different from the other.

So he left. To seek something's right. To fix what's wrong with him. But everything feels even more wrong after that. His heart aches with a longing feeling. And soon, his lungs too. Regrets and sadness clogged up his respiratory and suffocated him.

He stared at Doyoung expecting Doyoung to look back at him. But he received nothing upon his wishes.

"I waited for you to come back from abroad, Jaehyun. To meet you again was my wish upon the star. But to meet you as a patient was-" Doyoung paused, he hasn't found the perfect word to fit.

"I'm sorry."

Doyoung shook his head and sighed. "You should stop smoking."

"I can't," Jaehyun said. He hung his head low, concealing the tear lining in his eyes. "It's a habit."

That he picked from Doyoung. Because that's what Doyoung did the first time they met.

_"What are you doing? The interview will begin soon."_

_Doyoung sucked the cigarette one more time before he answered, "It helped. Don't you feel nervous too?"_

_Jaehyun should've known better than to continue the conversation he had with a stranger in the alley behind the university. He had to revise the material he prepared last night. Maybe fix his attire to look impressive. But he stayed._

_"Yeah. This is our future we're talking about."_

_The stranger chuckled. "Our?"_

_It made Jaehyun look away in embarrassment. "I mean, don't you want to be a doctor too? If yes, then it looks like our future will be pretty much the same."_

_The stranger stayed silent. There was still half of the cigarette left, but he dropped it to the ground before stepping on it with his heel._

_"I want to. But it's actually scary." The stranger leaned his back on the brick wall. "To become a doctor, is to watch people in pain. I don't want that."_

_"That's why you should help them."_

_"What if I can't save them? What if they died in my arms?"_

_Jaehyun paused. He didn't think following a stray cat to an alley would take him to this conversation._

_"You watched too much drama."_

_"Maybe I do," the stranger said. Without a cigarette between his fingers, his hand had nothing to do except being tucked in his pocket._

_"Why are you telling me this? We just met."_

_The stranger looked up, "Exactly. Because you're a stranger."_

_Jaehyun watched him rolling his sleeve to check on his watch. Jaehyun mirrored his action. "Five minutes left."_

_The stranger collected his bag on the ground and muttered a curse. He quickly pushed past Jaehyun to go._

_Jaehyun pondered for a bit as he watched the broad shoulder getting smaller and smaller. He decided that he likes it. The situation or the person, he wondered, but never got the answer to. But he’ll find out. Jaehyun watched before shouting to the stranger who was already metres away from him, "Then let's be strangers from now on!"_

_The strangers stopped and turned around. He smiled, all teeth. "Okay then."_

But of course they didn't. Jaehyun soon knew his name and so did he. And they were no longer strangers.

"Your lungs were already damaged enough, Jung Jaehyun."

"Yeah, I noticed," he said. Peeking to see what was in Doyoung's monitor. Doyoung immediately moved it from Jaehyun's view. Jaehyun stared at Doyoung's face. "Is it that bad?"

"There are options Jaehyun," Doyoung started, ignoring Jaehyun’s question and the obvious answer inside his head.

Jaehyun shook his head.

Doyoung raised from his seat, raged. "What do you mean?"

There's a pause between them and Jaehyun could only hear their breathing, steady and calming. Contrast to how hard his lungs work.

"One month ago, I made a list."

Doyoung took a seat back. Eyes never straying from Jaehyun's face. Jaehyun looked up to meet his eyes and noticed how Doyoung's were glassy and his lips quivering.

"I made a list of people I want to meet again before I go. Family, friends, colleague-"

"Did I make it to the list?" Doyoung asked. Eyes closed, too afraid to see what's next.

"You did."

Doyoung opened his eyes and Jaehyun quickly put on a smile. But not quite reaching his eyes.

"I put you on the last," he added. Hands rubbed the back of his head uncomfortably. He didn't know what made him insist on avoiding Doyoung's gaze.

"Because I want you to be the last thought of me."

Jaehyun expected nothing and got nothing. Doyoung walked him to the elevator and left shortly even before the elevator closed. Jaehyun got it and walked away. And maybe he did visit the happy ward again but he didn't tell Doyoung.

Jaehyun called two weeks later.

_"Hello?"_

"Hey, Doyoung."

_"Why aren't you sleeping? It's late."_

"I can't sleep."

 _"Sleep,"_ Doyoung said, voice stern.

"I was just thinking-"

 _"No, sleep,"_ he insisted.

Jaehyun chuckled. It echoed in his dark bedroom. "I will, but not now. I want to talk to you."

Jaehyun heard nothing and continued. "I just watched a movie."

Jaehyun heard a shuffling from the other side. _"Yeah? About what?"_

Jaehyun sat up on the side of the bed, watching his toes. "About a person, like me."

_"Like what?"_

Jaehyun ignored him, "It was good, though I don't think the ending was good enough. It felt unsatisfying. It ended too fast." 

_"Sad ending?"_ Doyoung concluded.

Jaehyun hummed. He let the silence stretch for so long his awkward self could endure. It was comfortable yet he desired to talk again. So he did.

"I've been thinking, Doyoung. About when I die."

_"Don't."_

_"I've been thinking about leaving a message for you. Maybe even a letter," he said. "You know, like in the movies."_

"But I understand that I was never good with words. And I want you to know that I left not because of you. But rather my incapability of telling you the truth,” he added, staring at his feet.

 _"Don't tell me then. If-"_ he heard a sniff- _"If you tell, I feel like you're going to go already."_

"Yeah?" he asked, amused.

_"Don't tell me anything. Tell me sometimes later and I'll tell you something too. A secret of mine."_

"Okay. I'll leave a letter then."

_"No!"_

Jaehyun laughed. "Okay, I won't."

"Tell me about it tomorrow."

Jaehyun stayed silent. His chest constricted again, leaving an ache. He laid again on his bed to feel better. But it didn't help.

Perhaps he was grunting the whole time he tried to find a more comfortable position in the bed that made Doyoung comfort him. He heard him sing.

_"It's the way you light my darkness  
It's the, the way you just know  
Let's be young together  
And maybe we can grow old  
It's the way you stay with me  
Even when you go  
When I'm scared and broken you  
You can heal my soul."_

Jaehyun paused to listen. He closed his eyes to picture Doyoung singing. Was it him that Doyoung thing of while he sang?

This is a song they both know. Jaehyun knew the lines by heart. 

_"I've been talking to the stars about you  
I hope that penny in the well would come true  
I've been chasing rainbows but they were passing on through."_

"It's 11:11 and I'm wishing for you," they sang. Their voice was unmatched in beat due the connection. But Jaehyun found comfort in Doyoung’s mechanical distorted voice. Jaehyun never imagined tonight to be the time he finally serenades someone else like in the romantic movies. It felt surreal.

Doyoung stopped.

Jaehyun chuckled. "It's already past 11:11, Doyoung."

_"Yeah, I know. You know what that means?"_

"What?" he asked, afraid of the answer he already had in his mind.

_"It's time for us to sleep. Let's talk tomorrow again, okay?"_

Jaehyun hummed and yawned, fake. "Yeah, we should. Goodnight Doyoung."

_"Goodnight."_

Before he fell asleep, Jaehyun thought about the wish. 11:11. Doyoung's wish won't come true then. What a pity. But it was alright. At least his wish did happen.

Jaehyun slept well that night. Perhaps he dreamt about Doyoung but Doyoung doesn’t need to know.


End file.
